I know what it's like to lose yourself
And I know what it's like to find your way back.
The Life that looked good on the outside
From the outside my life looked like everything it was supposed to be.
I was happily married. Building a life and a future with a man I loved. Running my own private practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist. Leading alongside my husband in pastoral ministry at our church. Checking every box. Filling every role. Doing all of it well.
I was high capacity, deeply committed, and by every measure succeeding.
And I was performing. I just didn't know it yet.
I had built an identity out of everything I was doing and everyone I was serving. The therapist. The pastor. The wife. The leader. I was good at all of it. So good that I never stopped long enough to ask whether any of it was actually me, or whether I was just very skilled at becoming whatever each room needed me to be.
That question got answered for me. Not gently. Abruptly.
The loss that cracked it open
On May 2, 2017 my son Merritt died at birth.
There are no words that adequately hold what that means. You carry a life. You prepare for a life. And then in the space of a single day everything you were building toward is gone. Your arms are empty. Your imagined future doesn't exist anymore. And the world keeps moving like nothing happened while you are standing completely motionless wondering how you are supposed to breathe, let alone keep going.
For the first time in my life I couldn't perform my way through something.
I couldn't show up as the therapist or the pastor or the strong one. I couldn't hold it together for everyone else. I couldn't function outside of my grief. I stopped working for an entire year just to survive it. And in that survival something unexpected happened.
For the first time I showed up honestly. Completely raw. Without any of the roles or the capacity or the polish. Just me. Broken open and having no choice but to be exactly who I was in that moment.
It was the most pain I had ever been in. It was also the first time I was the most honest with myself.
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It was the most pain I had ever been in. It was also the first time I was the most honest with myself.
When ground zero became the starting line
The following year, as I was slowly finding my footing again, my marriage took an unexpected turn.
My former husband had a mental break overnight. I woke up one morning to find him gone. Twenty four hours of not knowing where he was or what had happened. When he was found it was a slow, painful progression over months trying to find out what was going on, that eventually led to his diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I moved in with my parents to help care for him. And over the year that followed the life I had built with that man quietly, painfully, completely came undone.
I was no longer a mother, a wife, a pastor, and now a divorced licensed marriage and family therapist. The irony was not lost on me. Every credential, title, and role I had built my identity around had either been stripped from me or turned into a source of shame. I didn't even have the capacity to pull myself together anymore.
I was just me. Raw. Alone before God. With nothing left to show for and nowhere left to hide.
That was the most excruciating season of my life. It was also the most honest.
I made a decision at ground zero that changed everything. I stopped waiting for someday. I had always dreamed of living near the ocean, so I went. I had always dreamed of traveling more, so I did. I sold my possessions, bought a van, and built it into a camper. I hit the road and lived how I wanted, working, traveling, exploring, and for the first time in my adult life asking the questions I had never been given permission to ask.
Is God actually good? Does He have something real for my life? Who am I outside of every role I have ever played? And what does it look like to rebuild my life from honesty, not pressure?
Finding my way back
Eventually the road led me to Bethel's School of Supernatural Ministry. I didn't want to go, but I went out of obedience. What I found there was deeper healing than I knew I needed.
It was there that something foundational settled in me. The acceptance of myself, just as me, before God. Nothing more required. Nothing more to show for.
That sounds simple. It was anything but. Because getting there meant removing every layer of indoctrination, every label I had found my value in, and having the courage to be truly seen just as I was, hot mess and all!
Letting all of it go and discovering who I was underneath it all was not only enough, but was always the point.
From that place I began to build again. This time from the inside out.
I went through a long, painful season of dating. Of learning who I was in relationship with someone else again. Of discovering what I actually wanted, what I would not compromise on, and what it felt like to show up in a relationship as fully myself without shrinking, performing, or disappearing to make someone else comfortable.
Eventually I met Trevor. He was a friend first. And when he became something more I was finally in a place where I knew exactly who I was and I was unapologetic about it. I knew what I wanted. I knew what I was worth. And I was uncompromising about the man I believed God had for me.
That man was Trevor Dunbar. And together we have built something neither of us could have built alone.
Who I am Now
I am now so incredibly more happy than I ever thought I could be, remarried to Trevor. We have a nineteen month old son who is the light of our lives. We co-founded The 13th Tribe® together and we work side by side every day building a movement for people who are done being controlled by the systems of man and are ready to walk with God in the fullness of who He made them to actually be.
I have written the book Grief, Loss and the Goodness of God for women navigating the loss of a child. And I am currently writing my second book, Girl, Trust Yourself, which goes deeper into the journey required to overcome all obstacles. The self doubt. The steps of courage. The uncovering. The becoming. And the life that is possible on the other side of all of it.
I am also discovering new layers of this work in real time. Even now in motherhood I notice the patterns returning. The quiet disappearing. The woman underneath the responsibilities and the roles who still exists and still needs space to be fully known. The work of identity restoration is not a destination I arrived at. It is a daily practice I am still living.
That is why I can sit across from you in this work with complete honesty.
I am not someone who figured it all out and now teaches it from a safe distance. I am someone who has lived it, lost it, found it again, and is still walking it out every single day.
And I know without question that the woman God made you to be, the one who is unapologetically and vulnerably herself in every way, is still in there.
Who I am Now
I am now so incredibly more happy than I ever thought I could be, remarried to Trevor. We have a nineteen month old son who is the light of our lives. We co-founded The 13th Tribe® together and we work side by side every day building a movement for people who are done being controlled by the systems of man and are ready to walk with God in the fullness of who He made them to actually be.
I have written the book Grief, Loss and the Goodness of God for women navigating the loss of a child. And I am currently writing my second book, Girl, Trust Yourself, which goes deeper into the journey required to overcome all obstacles. The self doubt. The steps of courage. The uncovering. The becoming. And the life that is possible on the other side of all of it.
I am also discovering new layers of this work in real time. Even now in motherhood I notice the patterns returning. The quiet disappearing. The woman underneath the responsibilities and the roles who still exists and still needs space to be fully known. The work of identity restoration is not a destination I arrived at. It is a daily practice I am still living.
That is why I can sit across from you in this work with complete honesty.
I am not someone who figured it all out and now teaches it from a safe distance. I am someone who has lived it, lost it, found it again, and is still walking it out every single day.
And I know without question that the woman God made you to be, the one who is unapologetically and vulnerably herself in every way, is still in there.
She has just been waiting for permission to show up.
Get The book
Written from the journey.
For every woman still in the middle of hers.
Grief, Loss, and The Goodness Of God
Written after the loss of my son at birth, this book walks women through the journey of healing when life falls apart in the most devastating way possible. Honest. Raw. And rooted in the belief that God is still good even when the evidence feels impossible to find.
Girl, Trust Yourself
For every woman who has stopped trusting the voice inside her. Girl, Trust Yourself is the invitation back to yourself.
Join the waitlist and be the first to know when it drops.
your invitiation
Ready to go deeper?
The foundation behind everything I do is rooted in Identity Restoration. It is the body of work my husband and I built from every professional and personal season you just read about. And the place where that work is fully experienced is inside The Outlier Academy, the 12-week guided experience Trevor and I built together for those walking with God uncontrolled by the systems of man.
If you are ready to stop circling and start becoming, this is where that happens.
"You are not be broken. You may simply be waiting for permission to be fully yourself."
